Dracula author Bram Stoker wrote: "It is really wonderful how much resilience there is in human nature. Let any obstructing cause, no matter what, be removed in any way, even by death, and we fly back to first principles of hope and enjoyment."
It's ironic that an author who wrote about one of the world's most famous demons is so positive about the human spirit! But it's true – possessing self-belief, resilience, and good negotiation skills are crucial to leading a happy and successful life.
Having resilience can help you bounce back from adversity, setbacks, and failures, which we all experience at various points in life. Unfortunately, while many women have 'imposter syndrome,' most men tend to steam straight in and 'assume the deal.' It's time to turn that around!
With negotiation coaching from a certified coach, women can unleash their 'Sasha Fierce,' as (the usually shy) Beyonce calls her sassy on-stage alter-ego. They can watch that confident, resilient woman get out there and claim what is rightfully hers and conquer any lingering demons.
So, who and what are our inner demons?
They're our Achilles' heel, the parts of ourselves that keep us awake at night. Your inner demons prevent you from going forward, reminding you of embarrassing moments when you've "failed" or looked "stupid" – at least in your mind.
The demons may berate you for not being "good" or "clever." They can make you feel inadequate for not being thin or pretty enough. Those demons will niggle away at your consciousness, making you feel like you will never be as funny, independent, educated, or loyal as anyone you know, or don't, for that matter. In fact, come up with any adjective you can think of, and there's usually a demon that will chip away at your psyche, making you feel inferior to others.
The inner demons are the chattering voices you try to hide or suppress, usually out of fear more than anything else. But it's not always our fear of letting other people see our demons, which causes the problem. Our issues often stem from the deep-rooted fear we have within and for ourselves. Does fear of rejection, looking stupid, or being open to ridicule sound familiar?
Relax! Your fears are actually fear of your power – and only by facing them can you unlock your potential. As the Dalai Lama says, "If you can defeat your inner demons (like hatred, jealousy, anger, etc..), no task is impossible thereafter."
Avoiding and/or fighting your demons and fear just feeds them, so they grow larger, scarier, and in the end, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
To quell those demons, you need to negotiate past your fear. It's the process of how you manage that which will determine whether you go down the path of success or destruction.
Here Are 5 Ways To Build Personal Resilience And Conquer Your Demons:
1) Getting started
It sounds simple, but you have to start somewhere. How many times have you said, "The diet/exercise plan starts tomorrow?" The best way to begin your journey is by committing to a better future and a happier life. It's a good idea to share your intentions with close family and friends, so they can encourage you … and hold you to account if you slack off and need a kick up the butt! In all seriousness, it's good to have a reliable support network that you can share your feelings with. They can also provide positive feedback, insights, and solutions. In the Chinese zodiac, 2020 is the Year of the Rat, and the Rat is also the first in the rotation of the 12 zodiac signs, meaning a 'Rat' year is a year of renewal. So what are you waiting for?
2) Set goals
Discover your 'why.' Think of the people you admire. The ones who want to change the world. Those with meaningful, productive, full lives, are generally goal-setters. The people who settle for an average, small life, with no vision or purpose, don't. Step inward and dig deep. What is your goal, and why? What is your motivation for it, and how can you achieve it?
While it's good to have your eye on the prize, rather than hurtling toward it like a bull in a china shop, break the goal down into bite-sized chunks. Ask yourself what you can accomplish today, tomorrow, and so on. That way, your target won't seem like an insurmountable feat. The goalposts may move, and that's ok. Overcoming obstacles is part of being resilient, right? Moving goalposts aren't always bad, because as we learn, grow, and refine our vision, we may well be moving them ourselves to become more resilient and achieve a brighter future.
What comes next? A negotiation coach can help you realize and set your goals and the steps you should be taking to get there, as can my purpose planner.
3) Change the narrative
Think about your inner demons. What/who are they? There's a saying: 'He who shouts the loudest gets heard,' which is right, to a point. Yes, your demons will most definitely be heard, but it doesn't mean what they are saying is true. Often the voice that shouts the loudest is doing so because they come from a place of insecurity. Sound familiar?
Now, think of the smartest, talented, and professional people you know. Do they shout the loudest? Generally not. A humble, quieter voice, spoken with integrity, truth, and authority, cuts through the shouting much more efficiently.
You have a choice in how you interpret your life's circumstances. Make the decision right here and now to change the narrative and look at the positives. The positive way you think about your future will help you rewrite your past. I love this quote from Eckhart Tolle: "When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness."
4) Reframe your fear and use it as a source of empowerment
To face your fears and demons, think of various circumstances and situations when you've not felt 'good' enough, for whatever reason. Instead of focusing on the negatives, try and list 3-5 positives from them. Again, like when goal setting, break your demon or fear into achievable chunks.
If it's confidence you need, set yourself a task of meeting or calling a certain number of people a day. If you're scared of getting hurt, ask the people closest to you to list your good points.
A good way of negotiating your fear is to talk about your plans to overcome it out loud. By 'speaking' into that fear, you encourage yourself to challenge it. Some people are born to take the initiative. The majority of women think they can't be bold and step up because of what has been ingrained into them as they grow up. They are told to be seen and not heard. But that's rubbish.
Perhaps one of your goals is a new job or earning more money. How do you feel about the interview, or asking for a pay rise? Decide what you want to say, write it down and say it out loud. It's worth doing this not just in the mirror but also in a role-play situation with a friend. Remember why you are negotiating, and what it will bring to your life – more money, work/life balance, flexibility, etc.
Consider working with a negotiation coach who can help you find your voice. They can also guide you to past experiences and help you see any lessons or upsides you may have missed at the time, which will help you 'flip the switch.'
5) Stop the chatter and 'monkey mind' by practicing self-care
Space, tranquility, and honoring thyself is extremely important. It's that old adage of putting your lifejacket on first before you can take care of others.
Take time out to be kind to yourself at least once a day, whether through mindfulness, meditation, massage, exercise, or reading. If you're wondering how to do this, think about what you would suggest to a friend who was going through a tough time.
Meditation is great to stop the 'monkey mind' and inner demons. The average person's mind wanders 49.6 percent of the time, so whether you're a seasoned mediator or a beginner, try and practice daily. There is so much information and help out there – meditation apps, online guides, courses, classes, etc. Research shows that meditation's health benefits include increased levels of resilience, intelligence, focus, and concentration. And you can also experience lower levels of stress and anxiety, improved self-esteem, and self-awareness. All you need to do is take a few minutes to meditate every day.
Also, look for opportunities for self-discovery. If you've been thinking about signing up for a course, learning a new language, or exploring various hobbies, go for it! Enjoyable activities will also lead to more confidence and knowledge.
If you enjoyed reading this blog, then read all about negotiating yourself a confidence boost.
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